As summer well and truly draws to a close, award-winning comedian and poet Tim Key wonders what happened to 2011's newspaper 'silly season'
“Okay – I have this one. There’s a butcher in Fife, selling roadkill”.
Robert Damack sat in the main editor’s office,
Waving his reporters’ notepad.
Pitching stuff for the silly season.
“He’s scraping up foxes and hogs and people are really into it!”
The main editor stared intently at his I-pad.
Eventually he looked up.
“Problem is Rod –“
“It’s all kicking off in Libya. We might not have room for this stuff this time around”.
Robert Damack bit into his Beryl reporters’ pen.
“Wayne Rooney goes to a special place to get his nails done! The beauticians nibble his nails!” – he declared.
The main editor angled his I-pad vaguely towards Robert Damack.
There were images of fighting on it.
“Problem is, Libya’s silly season seems like it’s at a different time of the year from ours. They’ve gone mental so we’ve kind of got to cover it”
Robert Damack fumbled with his notepad.
His main editor was very handsome.
Like a cross between Desperate Dan and Jamie Cullam.
“I’ve had good stuff all summer!”
Robert Damack ripped out a page and waggled it in his boss’s grill.
It was a list of Beatles songs with the titles changed slightly so they were about over-eating.
4. Lady Madonna Kebab.
6. When I’m 64 Stone.
“It’s just been a bit of a sensible season, is all. A lot of hacking and what-not. A lot of Winehouse and African horseshit”.
9. Norwegian Pud.
“Save it for next recess, old boy”.
Robert Damack breathed himself in and slid his reporters’ notebook into the pouch at the front of his cagool.
“Take a holiday, Rod. While all this proper journalism’s going on. Take Anne away for a week –“
“Mia. Write you little stories up and once the revolutions have died down we’ll see if we can pop your stuff in somewhere”.
The main editor buried his snout back in his I-pad.
Robert Damack slid off his chair and floated backwards out of the office.
Gunfire ricocheted through an abandoned library.
Tripoli shook like a leaf.
Poet and comedian Tim Key was the winner of the 2009 Edinburgh Comedy Award, Time Out performer of the year 2009 and plays Alan Partridge's sidekick in Mid Morning Matters. His new book of poetry, The Incomplete Tim Key, is out now from Canongate coinciding with a 70-date UK tour.